What Happened to Lavi
by Tsukikami Moyizawa
Summary: This is a story of what happens when you mess with Kanda. So, don't mess with Kanda.
1. Chapter 1: Kanda's Hair

Lavi was sitting in the cafeteria at the Black Order Headquarters, cutting out pictures and articles from newspapers. Allen was sitting across from him, busily shoveling all the food in Europe into his mouth. Lavi put down his scissors and stretched, yawning. "Life around here has been so boring this week! Absolutely NOTHING has happened. No missions, no gossip, no anything." Allen paused his chewing to say "That's not altogether a bad thing, Lavi. That means there's no akuma bothering people." "Well I say it's boring. Look, even Yu's bored out of his skull!"

They looked over to where Yu Kanda was sitting at the end of their table. His head was resting on his hand and his eyes were closed. Allen looked at him disbelievingly. "Is he…asleep? Kanda actually sleeps?" He got up and waved his left hand in front of his face. "Kanda…Yu! Yu-chan!" No reaction. He looked back at Lavi, eyes wide. "He is asleep!" Reever walked past, holding a tray, and looked at them quizzically. "Of course he's asleep. He just got back from a mission in South America two hours ago!" He shook his head and moved on. Lavi rubbed his chin. "Hey, Allen. Did you know that Yu was gone?" Allen shook his head. "I just thought he was being antisocial." Lavi shrugged. "He's antisocial, and that's the truth. Just not to the extent of holing himself up in his room for two weeks." Allen snickered. Lavi folded his arms on the table and put his head on them. "Augh! My life is so dull!" He lifted his head and stared blankly at the scissors on the table. Then a strange look passed over his face, and picked them up. He looked at the scissors, then looked at Kanda. Scissors, Kanda. Scissors. Kanda. Scissors. A mischievous grin crept onto his face and an evil glint into his eye. He stood up and, faking a passive walk over to the end of the table, went over behind the sleeping Kanda. Allen's eyes widened. "Don't do it, Lavi. You don't want to awaken the sleeping beast. Especially like that." Lavi just smirked and beckoned him over. He put a finger to his lips, signaling him to be quiet. Allen's gaze landed on the sword Mugen resting against the table next to its wielder. He looked at Lavi, his eyes asking "What are you going to do about that?" Lavi glanced at the sword, then reached down and quietly slid it from its place and handed it across the table to Allen. He hesitantly took it and slid it under his seat. "I can't believe we're doing this," he mouthed. Lavi nodded enthusiastically. He gingerly took Kanda's long black ponytail in his left hand and positioned the scissors in his right. Allen bit his fingernails in anxiety, and Lavi bit his lip. He put the hair in the ponytail in between the open blades of the scissors.

_Snip._

Kanda's eyes snapped open. He turned around and punched Lavi in the chest. The wind was knocked out of him, and the ponytail he had cut off fell out of his hand and hit the floor. Kanda stared at the hair on the tile floor, then stared at Lavi. Allen looked around and saw that every single person in the cafeteria was watching in horror. He heard people whispering to each other, "Lavi just _cut Kanda's hair!_" "_He did NOT just do that." "That boy better run, and run fast." "I think Kanda looks kind of cute with short hair!"_

Kanda put a hand up to his head, searching for the ponytail he had grown so accustomed to after 9 years. His eyes hardened. "Nine years," he hissed at Lavi. "_Nine years_ of not cutting my hair. Nine years to get that ponytail. And you cut it off in two seconds." Lavi looked scared.

"I'm going to kill you, Usagi. I don't care that you're the next bookman. I don't care that you're an exorcist. I will kill you." He reached for where he knew he had placed Mugen before he sat down, but it was not there. He whipped around and glowered at Allen. "Where is it? Where is my Innocence?" Lavi scurried away while Kanda was distracted. Allen held the sword up. "It wasn't my idea!" he squeaked. He tossed it at him and ran away. Kanda caught it and immediately unsheathed it and ran after them both. "MOYASHI!" He chased them down the corridor, the Finders on their way to dinner staring in bewilderment as the three Exorcists raced past them. Kanda was swiftly catching up to them. They ran down hallway after hallway, rounding corner after corner, each stride slowly shortening the distance between Allen and Lavi and Kanda. Finally there was no space left, and Kanda launched himself at Lavi. His shoulder caught Lavi in the back, and they tumbled down the stairs. They landed on the floor at the end of the flight, both of them totally out of breath and thoroughly bruised. Allen ran down the stairs after them. "Are you guys okay?" He put his hand on Kanda's shoulder as he coughed, but Kanda smacked his hand away. "I'm fine." He sounded like he was going to hack up a lung. Lavi was moaning and holding his side. "Oh, I think I broke my ribs." Just then a hoard of Finders came out of nowhere and dog piled Kanda. Reever stepped up. "What in hell just happened?" Allen said, "Well, Lavi cut off all of Kanda's hair while he was asleep in the cafeteria, and then he chased us." Reever shook his head. "And then he said he was going to kill both of you. And knowing Kanda, we all know that is undoubtedly exactly what he would have done. That's why I called them in to help," he said, nodding at the Finders. By this time they had wrestled Kanda to his feet and were holding him back by his arms. He wasn't struggling anymore, just coughing. "Come on, take them both to the infirmary, but put Kanda in a separate room," Reever said, pulling Lavi to his feet. Allen trailed behind them all the way to the infirmary.

Kanda woke up the next day to find Bak Chan sitting next to his bed and staring at him. "What are you doing here? Why are you staring at me like that?" he asked suspiciously. Bak looked surprised. "Well, I've been at Headquarters for about a week now, helping Komui with some new studies. I'm here now because I've always known you with long hair. I wanted to be able to see you with short hair before you woke up and wanted to kill me." Kanda regarded the room around him. Bak noticed his confusion. "They knocked you out and put you in isolation soon after your fight with Lavi." Kanda nodded and stood up. "I want to talk to that Usagi." He started to pull on his shirt, and the door opened and Lenalee walked in. "Oh!" she gasped, and blushed. "H-hi Kanda…I-I brought you some coffee…" He considered her for a moment, then took the cup she held out and drained it in ten seconds. He then pull his shirt the rest of the way on and left." Lenalee looked at Bak. "Was he allowed to do that?" Bak shrugged. "You know as well as I do that when Kanda wants to do something, he does it, and it doesn't matter to him if he's allowed to or not."

Kanda banged on the junior Bookman's door. He heard a bang from the other side and an expletive uttered. "Who is it?" "Just open the door, bakausagi," he said with a growl. There was a slight hesitation, but soon enough the door opened to reveal Lavi, who looked like he had just gotten out of bed. "Jeez, Yu, do you know what time it is?" "No. But I don't care. I gotta talk to you." He walked in and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, arms crossed. It gave him some pleasure to see Lavi nervously fiddling with the miniaturized hammer at his thigh.

"Why did you do it? What could possibly possess you to cut off my hair?"

Lavi grinned. "Oh, there's that death glare everyone here's so afraid of. The answer you're seeking is a simple one." He shrugged. "I was bored."

Kanda took a deep breath as if to calm himself down. He closed his eyes tight and seemed to be trying really hard not to sock Lavi over the head. "And I guess you thought getting me deathly angry at you would make life more entertaining?" He nodded. "Pretty much."

The door opened and Lenalee came flying in. "Kanda! Don't do anything to Lavi! He was just—" She halted in the doorway, staring at them, when she realized they weren't fighting. "Oh…sorry, but I heard Kanda's voice in Lavi's room and just assumed that…I'm sorry." Kanda glared at her. "This is a private matter between me and Lavi. It's none of your concern." Lenalee looked dumbstruck. "Oh, well, sorry to have er—interrupted anything…" She looked around the room, taking in the messed up bedclothes, shirtless bookman apprentice, and slightly rumpled Kanda. Lavi and Kanda both realized what she was thinking in the same moment. Kanda just covered his eyes with his hand and sighed through gritted teeth. Lavi turned bright red and laughed. "No! That's not it at all!" He collapsed and started cracking up on the floor. "We're not gay," Kanda growled. Lenalee's face turned the color of a tomato and she looked down sheepishly. "Er…okay then…just make sure not to hurt each other, okay?" she said, then quickly turned and left. Lavi wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. "Oh, that was good."

Kanda glared at him. "Do not get the wrong idea. I'm not going to forgive you for this. You cut off my hair. My hair is what distinguished me from every other man on this earth. Now there is nothing." Lavi laughed. "At least people won't mistake you for a girl anymore!" Kanda swung around and punched him in the face. He rubbed his face. "Ow! What was that for? First you push me down the stairs now you punch me?" Kanda crossed his arms and turned away. "You were irritating me."

"Big hammer, little hammer, extend!" Lavi's hammer came flying out of nowhere caught Kanda in the shoulder, spinning him around. He scowled and reached for Mugen where it usually was in the sheathe at his hip, but to his astonishment it was not there. Neither sheathe nor sword it contained were where they were supposed to be. His eyes widened. "What…? Where is Mugen? Usagi…" Lavi just smirked. "You're not so scary without your wicked sharp thing. Big hammer, little hammer, grow." The hammer got a little bigger. "You know, I'm starting to get really sick of your attitude. Grow," The hammer grew larger yet. "You have no right to treat people the way you do. Grow!" The hammer was huge now, and poised right above Kanda's head. He crossed his arms and frowned at him. "A rabbit finds a big stick, and with his big stick he thinks himself tall."

The hammer came down.


	2. Chapter 2: My Hammer and I

Kanda dodged out of the way of the hammer just in time. He did a summersault dive to the left and stood up again. The hammer fell again. He dodged it again. "What are you doing, moron? Are you trying to kill me?" he yelled at him. Lavi just grinned. "Not kill," he said. "Maim? That's a different story."

He swung the hammer around and caught Kanda in the side, throwing him with a crash into the wall. A hole appeared where he had slammed through and he found himself in the next room over—Krory's room. Kanda struggled to get up, but collapsed. Blood trickled down the side of his face as he shot Lavi a death glare. "And they say I have anger management issues." Lavi's hammer shrunk and he knelt down in front of Kanda. "Yu, my dear. You really should learn your place. I know your story. The whole thing. If you want me to keep quiet, you'll start checking your attitude at the door." Kanda spat at him. "You're an ass," he hissed. "Are you drunk or something?"

At this, Lavi grinned hugely. "You finally figured it out!" he laughed. "Yeah, I am. Totally plastered."

He stood up and offered a hand to the incredibly pissed off exorcist. Kanda took it, hoisting himself up and using it as momentum to punch the brat in his irritatingly smirking face. Lavi reeled backwards and rubbed his face. "Ow, man! That hurt! What's wrong with you?" Kanda glared. "You're asking what's wrong with me? You're the one who just tried to kill me with your damn hammer!" Lavi giggled like a little girl. Without warning, his eyes glazed over and he slumped against the older man. "What the-? Oh you've got to be kidding me." Kanda tossed him off his shoulder and let him thump onto the floor. He slipped his hands into his pockets and bit his lip as he gazed around the messy room. He caught a glimpse of sunlight reflecting off steel that was peeking out from under the bed. "That little son of a—" he swore as he bent down and picked Mugen up off the floor. He unsheathed it and inspected it, soon deeming it unharmed. He sheathed it again and looked thoughtfully at the idiot on the floor. He shrugged. "He stole mine, I'll steal his." He bent down and slid the hammer out of the redhead's loose grip. He straightened up, twirling the now-small hammer through his fingers and smirking maliciously. "One for luck," he muttered, kicking the unconscious ginger in the side. "And one for the road." He kicked him again and walked out of the room, tucking the hammer into his pocket.

He almost ran into Allen in the hallway. "Watch where you're going, idiot," he grumbled, and continued on. Struck with a sudden thought, he stopped and called back, "Oi. Moyashi. Might want to take your partner-in-crime to the infirmary."

Allen looked at the dark Japanese man, totally confused. He shrugged his shoulders as he walked away and went into Lavi's room. "Lavi? You in here?" he asked, looking around. His feet hit something solid in the middle of the floor and he flailed, falling flat on his face. "Ow!" He sat up, rubbing his face. He looked around to see Lavi in the middle of the floor, passed out. "Oh come on." He hoisted the ginger up and started dragging him towards the door. He woke up slightly and muttered "Hey Al, where're we going?" "Come on, buddy. We're going to see the nurse." Lavi jumped about ten feet in the air. "No! I'm fine! We don't need to see the nurse!" Allen looked at him quizzically. "I just found you passed out on your floor and you're saying you don't need medical attention?" "I was drunk, man. I'm fine, I promise! Just don't make me go to the nurse!" "What is wrong with the nurse?"

Lavi looked around shiftily, then bent down to whisper in Allen's ear, "She scares me!"

"Too bad," Allen said, totally apathetic to his friend's terror. He dragged him down to the infirmary. When they walked in, Komui was fussing over Kanda, who was looking very, very irritated. "I don't need medical attention. I've healed. I'm fine." His hand was shoved in his pocket, and Allen could see his hand moving around within it, messing with something concealed. He glanced at the two, Lavi hyperventilating and trying to escape, and Allen just standing there staring at him. His eyebrows furrowed and he growled lowly, then pulled his shirt on (again…the people here love it when he takes it off, he thought to himself) and brushed past the duo, Mugen once again in its rightful place at his hip.

The nurse came up to Allen and Lavi, looking mean as usual. Lavi shouted and ducked behind Allen. She took him by the collar on the back of his shirt and hauled him to a chair, where she proceeded to wrap the blood pressure Velcro around his arm. He screeched when it started to tighten and his fingers scrabbled at the holster on his thigh where he kept his hammer. His eyes widened and he looked at the empty holster. "Oh lord. Where's my hammer?" The nurse tightened the blood pressure thing even more. He jumped and ripped free. "WHERE IS MY HAMMER?" He ran around like a maniac, finally running out the door and down the corridor. "YUUUUUUUUUU!"

Allen sighed and looked at the nurse. She grinned and said, "White coat hypertension? That boy has it."


	3. Chapter 3: Shaving Cream

"Hey Yu, I need to borrow some shaving cream!" Lavi yelled as he strolled into the Japanese man's bedroom. He looked around, but failed to see any sign of the man. He heard water running in the adjacent bathroom, and a low murmur that sounded vaguely like singing. The water went off, and Lavi deemed it fine to enter. He pushed open the door and ducked as a wet washcloth was thrown at his head. "What are you DOING?" Kanda hissed, tucking a towel around his waist. "KNOCK!" Lavi rolled his eyes and tapped his knuckles lightly on the door frame. "Knock, knock," he said, grinning. The wet washcloth was thrown at him again. "What the heck are you doing in my bathroom?" he growled. "I told you, I need some shaving cream! I ran out," Lavi repeated. "Didn't you hear me?" "No. In case you didn't notice, I was in the SHOWER," Kanda shouted, holding onto his towel with one hand and shoving the ginger with the other. "Get OUT." "Oh! Watch it, Yu! I'm still sore from the LAST time you shoved me!" he said indignantly, rubbing his shoulder. Kanda ran a hand through his dripping hair. A dark look crossed his face when he realized that there was a LOT less of it to run his hand through after the stupid Usagi cut it off. He glared at him for a moment, then roared and shoved him with both hands, dropping his towel in the process. Lavi stumbled backwards, catching himself from falling on the doorframe. "What the crap, man?"

Lenalee chose this opportune moment to charge into the room, screaming "Don't hurt him! Don't hurt—oh_…_uh…well, wow…"

Lavi bent over in laughter as Kanda swore violently and scrambled to get the towel around his waist again. Lenalee had turned bright red, and Kanda's face wasn't much lighter. "Sorry, but I have to ask… Lavi, what were you doing in here with Kanda in, er, such a state?" she asked tentatively. Lavi stopped laughing long enough to answer. "I needed shaving cream. See this?" he said, pointing at his face. "This, this _stubble _is NOT attractive." Kanda smacked his hand to his forehead. Lenalee inspected his face closely. "I don't see anything."

"You know, this used to be a private room," Kanda growled, getting very, very pissed off. Lenalee stuttered an apology and backed out hurriedly. "And you," he said, pointing at Lavi. "If you need something, stay out there." Lavi smirked and walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Kanda swore under his breath. He pulled on a pair of pants and toweled his frustratingly short hair dry, or at least dryer. He shook it, not unlike a wet dog, and pulled the door open. He walked in on Lavi playing samurai with Mugen. He went up behind him and put him in a choke hold; pulling the sword from the redhead's grasp and listening to him make gasping sounds like a small animal. He released him and he fell to the ground, gasping. He hung Mugen from the bedpost and pulled open the middle drawer of his dresser, rummaging through it, looking for a shirt. He found the one he was looking for, after throwing quite a few of them onto Lavi. He selected a skin-tight black sleeveless V-neck and slipped it on over his head. Lavi stood up, brushed himself off, and said, "So, about that shaving cream…" Kanda waved him off. "Wait." He picked up a comb and ran it through his hair a few times, then tied it back into a pitiful shame of a ponytail. His bangs and an amount of hair that used to fit into the hair ties nicely now fell forward into his face. He flicked it back and turned to face the redhead. Lavi put his hand behind his back quickly and gave him an all-too-innocent look. Kanda slapped his arm and he sheepishly placed the porcelain light pink flower back on the desk. "You're not getting any shaving cream. Do you want to know why?"

"Why, pray tell?"

"Because in order to need shaving cream, you have to have hit _puberty._"

Lavi gasped and put a hand to his chest. "Hurtful! I have hit puberty! Come on, Yu, I'm 18 years old! I hit it, like, 4 years ago."

"Please get out of my room."

"But I want to spend some quality time with you, Yu!"

Kanda sighed and massaged his temples with his fingers. "Who did you make a bet with this time, and what are you trying to make me do?"

Lavi spread his hands and sat down on the neatly made bed. "You got me," he said. "I bet Allen two hundred dollars I could get you in a dress in public."

Kanda swung at him, and he ducked, falling backwards onto the bed. "Man, come on! I don't have two hundred dollars! Please? Please? For me? We even already have one picked out for you!"

Kanda looked up at the sky, asking, "Why? Why me?" "Hold on. Just stay right there. Don't. Move," Lavi said, and dashed out of the room. Kanda rolled his eyes and followed him.

They soon ended up, once again, in Lavi's room. Lavi rummaged through the closet almost manically, and Kanda leaned with his back against the doorframe, eyes closed, breathing low and soft. Lavi paused in his frantic search to look over at the Japanese exorcist, wondering if he had fallen asleep.

"No," sighed the elder man, not opening his eyes, or really moving at all. "I'm not asleep. If you try to pull anything on me you will be a dead man this time."

Lavi shrugged and went back to his closet. Eventually he found what he was looking for, and pulled it out. Kanda could hear him digging through a drawer to find something else he obviously needed. He raised an eyebrow and opened one eye to glance at the Usagi. When he saw what he was holding up, beaming, he stood up and glared at him. "Oh _hell_ no."


	4. Chapter 4: Is this really happening?

"Oh come ON, Yu! Why not? I think you'd make quite the dashing maid."

Kanda took the dress from Lavi and held it as far away from himself as he could, glaring at it sourly. "This," he growled, "Is not a maid's dress. This—" He looked around it to spit in Lavi's irritatingly gleeful face. "—This is a whore's dress."

Lavi wiped the saliva off his face with the bottom of his shirt and looked at Kanda shamelessly. "My bad."

Kanda scoffed. "Your bad, my ass."

"No, you'll be allowed to wear your undies."

Kanda threw the dress at him and started out of the room, but Lavi grabbed his arm to stop him. "No! Please. Allen won't ever, ever let me off the hook with this debt. You know how he is, he's ruthless! You can't leave a brother to die like this!"

Kanda snarled at him. "What are you, ghetto now? Hm…"

Lavi was now on the floor, clinging to Kanda's leg and sobbing, pleading. "Please, Kanda! Save me! Please!"

"Get off me." Kanda shook him off. "Fine, I'll do it, but you have to promise me something too."

Lavi jumped up and grabbed the raven-haired exorcist in a huge bear hug. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" he cried into his shoulder. "I'll love you forever, I promise, and do whatever you want me to do!"

Kanda pushed him off and placed his feet way apart, crossing his arms and glaring, appearing about as manly as physically possible (now that he's lost that long hair, Lavi thought). "You have to do absolutely EVERYTHING I say, for two weeks. No exceptions. Got it?"

Lavi nodded enthusiastically. After all, what could this guy possibly do to him worse than cheating him out of 200 bucks? They shook on it, and Kanda snatched the dress off the floor and exited into the adjacent bathroom. Lavi heard a lot of rustling, banging, and violent swearing before the door swung open with a crash, almost rattling off of its hinges. He about died at what he saw.

There stood Kanda, decked out in the skimpy black frilly dress, apron, puffy sleeves, and all. Fishnet stockings climbed his legs. The killer stilettos on his feet made his already formidable height even more so. That is, it would have been very intimidating except for the frilly dress. His hands were on his hips, and he looked very unstable, like a volcano about to blow. "Forget this. I'm not—" Lavi held up a hand. "Shook on it, brother. Gotta do it now. Wait." Lavi rummaged around a little more, finally locating what he sought. He clipped a big white bow into his hair and placed a tiny feather duster in his hand. "And for the finishing touches…" handing him a huge tray of little cheesecakes. Then on top of that, another. And another. And so on until Kanda was precariously balancing six trays of cheesecake with one hand and his entire body plus the cakes on his six inch tall stilettos.

"If anyone laughs, I will stab their kidneys out with these heels," Kanda hissed at Lavi. He just laughed and grabbed his arm, dragging him down the hall towards the cafeteria.

They caused quite a scene as they entered. Kanda grabbed hold of the edges of the doorframe and refused to go in. Lavi had to go around and pull him for a good five minutes before his grip slipped and he stumbled into the room. The munching, laughter, and chatting ceased immediately as everyone turned to stare bewilderedly at Kanda. Allen was the first to move. He stood up, very solemn, and walked over to Lavi. He reached in his pocket and pulled out 200 dollars and handed them to Lavi. "You win," he said, then burst out laughing. The rest of the Order followed suit. Kanda stood there with his arms crossed over his frilly bosom taking it with gritted teeth. "When can I get out of this thing?" he growled at Lavi. The redhead looked at him. "Get out of it? Why, Yu-chan, you have to stay in it the whole day!"

"Like hell." Without so much as a moment's hesitation, Kanda had knocked Lavi to the ground and was on top of him, punching him in the face with all his might. It took the combined strength of Allen, Krory, Jerry, and Komui to break it up. Kanda was seething. Allen had never seen him this angry before at something so trivial. Lavi's nose was bleeding, most definitely broken, and he had two nice bright shiners coming in. Krory helped him to the infirmary. Kanda shook away the other three and noticed that everyone was still staring at him. He looked down at his ridiculous getup for a moment, then looked up again. Looking Allen right in the eye, he ripped off the dress, tore off the shoes, and slashed off the tights. He then turned and walked away, butt naked. Allen looked back at Lenalee. She was banging her head on the table.


End file.
